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On one hand,
no, I suppose it's not. By the grace of God I became a follower
of Christ nearly twenty years before I encountered the Church; I
certainly don't want to minimize the work God did in drawing me
to Christ. On the other hand, when I became convinced that Orthodoxy
was the Church (and that I was not in it) it was a revelation
and a fundamental change for me ...and not entirely a welcome
one at the time! Nevertheless, as G.K. Chesterton wrote, "I had
heard that I was in the wrong place, and my soul sang for joy."
An interesting answer from my e-mail:
To me,
a "conversion" is to take on a new religion, Zeitgeist, lifestyle,
etc. Moving into Orthodoxy was, I believe, a move into a new
religion. I don't see Orthodoxy and Evangelical Protestantism
as two different styles or flavors of the same thing, but as two
very different things. The further I live through Orthodoxy,
the more utterly alien the whole ethos of where I was seems, which
reinforces for me the idea that they are two different religions.
Now, some
use "conversion" to mean "repentance," and I certainly would not
completely argue with that usage, though I don't see it as the only
one. As a small child, I accepted Jesus into my heart and believed
in Him as my Saviour and Lord, though I certainly was never particularly
good at making Him Lord and not myself (still am not). Of
course, being "saved" as a small child, I didn't see a big need
for repentance -- I certainly did not see myself as some great sinner;
who does at 6 years old? I was raised with the idea of "once
saved, always saved" ("eternal security"), and so I didn't have
any great defining repentant moments later in life, either -- why
did I need them? I was "saved." (I now believe this doctrine
to be a dangerous one which lulls people into a false sense of security
and pride.) I did always believe in Christ and trust Him as my Saviour,
though I was not taught that a life of daily repentance, confession,
and life being an ongoing project of sin cleansing was the way to
go.
So, if
you ask whether I ever was repentant before becoming Orthodox, I'd
say sure, but only God can judge whether I was truly repentant --
knowing me, I probably wasn't. I gave it a go, however, though
I never really felt I was a terribly bad guy.
Now, this
is not the part of the story where I tell you that, coming upon
the Orthodox Church, my heart burst, I fell down on my face before
God and repented for years of accumulated sins and was finally purged
and now live a life of holiness and confession -- if that were the
case (and it isn't), I wouldn't tell you about it, anyway, because
a truly humble person does not tell you how humble he is, and he
certainly would not tell you that he is truly repentant. When
I tell you that I am not very repentant, it is because I am not
very repentant, not because I am truly repentant and therefore humble
and modest. I will tell you that I look at life in an entirely
different way, however -- I see my situation as desperate, but oddly
enough, this does not depress me, but it rather gives me great joy
that the Saviour would condescend to grant such blessings as I see
around me to a creep like myself. (I am, for instance, dating
the world's most beautiful, witty, and loving woman. I also
have the world's most remarkable friends, the world's most loving
mother (with apologies to our Holy Lady Theotokos, whose local representative
my mom must be), and the most humble and wise spiritual father I
could imagine.)
The Orthodox
Church has a kind of microscope available to examine who you truly
are, and I don't really recommend to anyone that they peer into
it; even a tiny glance just might drive you totally nuts, something
like the Total Perspective Vortex in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the
Galaxy which shows you your true place in the universe. Me,
I think I've only really seen a tiny, tiny glance, and I can tell
you that sometimes, it scares the snot out of me to consider what
darkness lurks in my own heart.
But CHRIST
IS RISEN! He has trampled down death by death! It is
only in partaking of His death that we partake of His glorious
resurrection. Jesus didn't die instead of us, but so that we could
have His death available to us, because His is life-giving
and resurrectional. As a Protestant, I was basically taught
that Jesus died so I wouldn't have to, but the Orthodox way
is that Jesus died so I really could die, too.
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